The Father’s Love Calls Us to Maturity

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Rob Reimer

The Father loves us and accepts us, flaws and all. There is nothing we can do to earn God’s love. The issue of our value was settled on the cross. When we wander down sinful paths, our Heavenly Father longingly waits for us to come home.

With these truths in mind you might think, “Why should I change? God’s always here for me. Does it really matter?” Friends, if we continue in sin habits without any repentance, without any contrition, without any remorse, then we’re in danger.  We can’t take sin lightly.

The apostle John teaches that the Father’s love beckons us to maturity.  In 1 John 3, he says that we are children of God because He has lavished his love on us.  He did this when we were still sinners.  If God did this for us when we were sinners, then, of course, we don’t want to hurt the One who has lavished us with such unconditional love.  Love constrains us and it should also motivate us toward maturity.

But John also wants us to know that God’s love for us doesn’t just affect our past — this love for us extends into eternity.  The extent of God’s love hasn’t yet been realized.  John says as remarkable as it is that God adopted us as children, there’s more: One day we shall see him, and be like him.  One day we’ll see him, and he’ll touch us once and for all. We’ll see his compassion, his kindness, his love, his unparalleled beauty.  And in that moment, we’ll be like him — free from sin.

We might get the mistaken idea that the Father is soft on sin, or that he doesn’t care about sin.  He just overlooks it.  That’s not true.  He accepts us as we are, flaws and all. He loves us sinners, but he hates sin.  That’s why he calls us to leave our sin behind (1 John 3:4). The single greatest sign that we are touched by his love is that we are motivated to maturity.  If we say that we have been touched by the Father’s love, and yet are not motivated toward maturity, we are deceived.  That’s what John is saying.  That doesn’t mean that you’ll be perfect.  You’ll still struggle with sin.  The issue isn’t that you never sin, the issue is that you live in the light.  When you sin, and the Holy Spirit convicts you, you are broken about your sin.  You are contrite about your sin.  You don’t want to sin.  You feel bad about your sin. If you have no desire in your life to grow up, then you really haven’t understood the Father’s lavish love for you.

So, let’s do a little spiritual checkup on ourselves:

  • Is your heart getting a little more calloused toward sin these days?
  • Are there areas in your life where you’ve stopped being soft to the Holy Spirit’s convictions?
  • Do you find yourself willingly getting closer to the edges of sin, and rationalizing it away?
  • Is there any sin in your life that you are hiding from others, maybe even yourself?

If you see yourself in any of these situations, you’re in a dangerous place and you need to walk in the light. Friends, the Father sees what you could become and he is calling out to you. He knows how loving, how compassionate, how courageous, how unselfish, how generous you could become. He sees your potential for purity and Christlikeness.  Heed the call: The love of the Father calls you to maturity.

Posted in Devotion, Discipleship, Loving God, Overcoming Sin, Trusting God | Tagged , | Leave a comment

What is God’s “Discipline” All About?

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Rob Reimer

A sad thought is that many of you grew up in homes where you had strained relationships with your fathers. You may have felt belittled, humiliated, unloved.  Some of you believed you were worthless or stupid.  And some of you have carried that concept over into your view of our Heavenly Father.  Many people have a distorted image of the way the Father disciplines. You may see the Father as harsh, stern, or even vindictive.  Some of you may be looking at the Father through a distorted lens because of the way you were disciplined.

In Hebrews 12, Paul explains the Father’s discipline.  A lot of us probably have never thought about God disciplining us.  Others of us have this view of God punishing us every time we mess up.  As such, discipline takes on a very negative tone.  But, the discipline of God is about training us to grow up to be like Jesus.  How? First, the Father’s discipline proves our legitimacy as children.  For many people, it was badly-handled childhood discipline that made you feel like you weren’t valuable or loved.  But, the Father’s discipline actually assures us that we are his children.  The fact that we are disciplined by the Father in heaven ought to encourage us.  Now, let’s be honest, most of us do not feel encouraged when we experience hardship.  Whether that hardship is a consequence of our bad behavior, or whether it is random, most of us don’t feel encouraged by it. But, Paul tells us that the Lord loves us as his children, and that is why he disciplines us.  He wants our best.

Paul further explains in Romans 8 that God would use all things, even the hardships of life, to make us like Jesus, if we would let him.  Believe that we ought to rejoice when we suffer difficulty and trials, because God uses it to form our character.  If you don’t understand how God can redeem some hardship in your life to make you like Jesus, ask him for wisdom, and he’ll show you.  Be encouraged that you have hardships – don’t look at it like the Father is out to get you, since it’s just the opposite; see it as proof that you really are the Father’s child, and he wants to make you mature.

The second aspect about the Father’s discipline that can help us is that it is motivated by love and without flaws.  Paul (Hebrews 4) says we all had parents that disciplined us.  Some did it better than others, but most of us can see that our parents tried hard to discipline us for our good.  Even if they did discipline badly you may still be able to see that they had good intentions beneath their flawed attempts.  His argument is this: If we benefited from our parents’ discipline, even though they are flawed, how much more should we submit to the Father’s discipline.  He’s not flawed at all. When hardship comes into our lives we have three choices.  We can rebel and get angry; we can simply give up by not believing God is out for our best; or we can submit and surrender.  We can say to God, “I want you to redeem this in my life and use it to mature me.”  Coming to this kind of surrender is a process.  We have to process the pain we feel – whether it is emotional, physical, or relational pain.  We have to process our pain and choose to trust.

Your earthly father may not have disciplined you well.  He may not have had good intentions.  He may have heaped shame and humiliation on you.  He may have told you that you would never amount to anything, and that you were no good.  But, our heavenly Father never disciplines us like that.  He loves us so much that he gave us his Son.  He only wants our best.  He redeems hardship and uses it as a training ground to grow us up.  The key is our response.  Will we submit?  Will we trust?  If you allow yourself to be trained by discipline, God can use it for you to mature and to have peace of soul.  God can use it to make you like Jesus.

Posted in Christian Life, Discipleship, Guard Your Heart, identity, Intimacy with Jesus, Relationships, Trusting God | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

God loves you … even when you wander away

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Rob Reimer

Some of you grew up with fathers who were demanding, critical, negative. Nothing was ever good enough. Others grew up in homes with dads who were angry, harsh, and cruel.  You always felt like you were walking on egg shells. Some had dads who were distant, cool, and aloof.  You knew they loved you, but you never felt loved.  These images of our earthly dads often get in the way when we think about our heavenly Father.  As a result, many people find it hard to connect with God as Father.  Can you relate to this? If so, I’d like to help rework your image of our Heavenly Father by giving you a glimpse into His heart.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells a parable that is one of my all time favorites.  Jesus had been hanging around with sinners, folks who lived a pretty raucous life. The teachers of the law were irked that Jesus would associate with such people.  These religious leaders had a bad father image. To help them get a true glimpse of the Father’s heart, Jesus told them  the story of the lost son.  In this account, a young man asks his father for his inheritance.  This dad was a good, responsible, and hard working man. He could have used the money to feed the poor or support orphans and widows.  Yet, the father grants his son’s request.  There were no lectures, no manipulation, no power struggle.  He simply let his son go.

 

The son takes the money and does exactly what his father figured he’d do with it.  He squanders it.  He uses it to do things that the father stands against.  He blew it all in wild living. When  the money ran out, the kid was abandoned by his fair weather friends and was all alone in the world. When he found himself destitute, he realized what a fool he was … he had come to the end of his path.

We’ve all had moments like this in our lives, haven’t we?  We’ve all had moments when we wake up and cringe at the thought of our behavior.  How could I have gotten myself into this mess? What have I become?  Once that light is on and you come to your senses, the only question left is, “Can I go home?  Will I be accepted?  Will I be forgiven?” That’s what this young son began to contemplate.  He soon decided to begin the journey home.  So, he got up and went to his father.  That’s an important statement:  He got up and went to his father.  In some ways, everything had changed because this boy had violated and offended his dad.  But, there was one thing that could never change:  He was still his father.

Luke’s gospel tells us that from the moment the boy had left home, this heartbroken father had been watching for him to return.   When he saw his ragged son from afar, the father ran to him, threw his arms around him, and hugged and kissed him repeatedly — such was his immense joy. The son was overwhelmed, apologized, and said he was no longer worthy to be called his son. But, that wasn’t the attitude of this Father.  He didn’t want his boy back as an outcast.  This was his son who he missed and loved. This was his son who had come home.  This was his son who would be received back into the family with a grand celebration.

 

Coming in from the fields, the older son was not as forgiving. When a servant tells him that his younger brother is home, he refuses to participate in the party.  The father comes out to speak with him but the son blasts him saying, “I’ve been slaving for you all these years, and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours – who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!”

Now, I guess if we’re honest we can understand the older brother’s attitude.  If we were in that situation, wouldn’t some of us expect a different consequence?  But, that isn’t this father’s way.  It wasn’t his way with this wayward younger son, and it wasn’t his way with this hardened, angry, self-righteous older son:  “You are always with me.  All I have is yours.  We had to celebrate and be glad, for this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”  He’s pleading — Share in the joy. This celebration is for both of us. Your brother has come home.

 

It’s a marvelous story, isn’t it?  What a picture of the Father.  As different as they are, he loves both his sons and wants relationship with them. What a different picture of the Father than so many of you grew up with.  Here’s the point: The Father’s heart is filled with compassion for those who wander but humbly head home. When you get there, you won’t get a lecture or be condemned.  When you arrive, you’ll find the arms of the Father open wide, full of acceptance, full of love. No matter how far you’ve wandered … your Father is waiting … you can always come home.

Posted in identity, Intimacy with Jesus, Jesus, Love, Our Identity, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How do I escape from the performance trap?

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Rob Reimer

In my last blog, I tackled the issue of tying our performance to acceptance by God.  We want so much to look good in the eyes of others that we go to great lengths to come across as a well integrated person. We try so hard to get God’s love that we do what we think will earn his acceptance. We get so bogged down in self-image that we lose sight of the fact that the issue of our value is not determined by performance. The issue of our value was settled by Jesus on the cross. We wander so far from that reality that we fall into the performance trap.

So, how do we get free from this performance trap?

  • The first key is that we have to come before God with childlike dependence.  We must be humble.  You see, the performance trap is rooted in pride.  The key to overcoming it is humility.  This is particularly difficult for our society because we are impressed with strength, power, and performance.  But, Jesus came as a servant to lay down his life for us.  Paul says that it was in his weakness that Christ’s power was perfected in him.
  • Another key to overcoming the performance trap is that we have to humbly receive the Father’s acceptance as a gift. So much of the performance trap is rooted in our desire to be acceptable.  We long for acceptance and somehow we’ve learned that what we do earns us love. We internalized that false notion and believed that if we were going to be accepted by the Heavenly Father we’d better step up our performance.  But acceptance from God is a gift that we must receive with humility and dependence.
  • The next key is demonstrated in the gospel: We are more accepted and loved than we ever dared to hope because the Father who loves us sent Jesus to live and die in our place. When we get this truth, we don’t have to prove that we are valuable or lovable. We don’t have to be right all the time.  We don’t have to be perfect.  We don’t have to say yes to every opportunity to show how good we are. We don’t have to have our act together all the time.  We don’t have to defend ourselves. We can be truly honest, vulnerable, and transparent – even if others reject us, because the Father of Jesus loves us.
  • Finally, we have to remember that everything is a given: We understand the gospel by grace because the Holy Spirit illuminates us.  We didn’t do anything to deserve or to earn that.  It’s a given.  My value before God – that, too, is a given.  It’s not earned.  The issue of my value was settled on the cross.  It’s a given.

 

Some of you may have grown up in households where you never got approval, so to this day you seek to prove your worth.  You’ve never felt accepted or good enough and you seek to prove that you are valuable.  You seek to prove that you are lovable.  You seek to prove it at work. You seek to prove it relationally. You seek to prove your worth with God. You’re stuck in the performance trap.

Your Father in heaven doesn’t want you to be stuck in this trap, so how do you escape? Seek him for the perfect loving God that he is … who accepts you,  just as you are.

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What can I do to earn God’s love and acceptance?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Rob Reimer

From the time we are very young, we learn that our performance matters.  We learn it from our parents:  We’re rewarded for good behavior and disciplined when we’re bad.  We learn it at school:  If you perform very well, you get an A.  If you don’t, you get lower grades.  We learn it in our jobs:  If you work up to, or beyond,  a certain standard you get a raise, maybe even a promotion.  If you don’t perform at an acceptable level in the workplace, you might get fired. Even the Bible says that we will be rewarded in heaven according to what we’ve done on earth. So — you see — our performance does matter.

 

But the problem is that this drive to perform can get twisted up in our thinking and, more critically, in our relationship with God.  We can become performance addicted:  The more productive I am, the better I feel about myself.  This pushes me to want to serve and do more to get more praise, better grades, higher performance reviews, more pats on the back. I believe that I can even do more to earn God’s love and acceptance. That’s the performance trap.  Why do we fall into this trap?  How do we get out?  Where’s the balance in all of this?

To help us on our journey, Jesus points to the shift that takes place in our soul that ensnares us in the performance trap. This shift occurs when we misunderstand where our value comes from.  Friends, our value is not determined by our performance.  If  we don’t believe this, we become performance addicts.  We become hooked on being liked, getting A’s, climbing the corporate ladder, and serving till we drop.  Performance doesn’t determine our value because the issue of our value is settled on the cross.  On the cross, the Father paid the price for us that he felt we were worth.  He paid the price of his own Son’s blood. We have infinite worth,  and this value, Romans says, was while we were still sinners — at the very bottom of our performance.  Performance matters, but it doesn’t determine your value.  You matter to God … good performance or not. 

Let me pose some questions to see if you’ve slipped into this performance trap:

  • Do you struggle with pretense? When you struggle with being honest or vulnerable and just want to appear to have it all together,  you’re going to be pretty reluctant to admit to your flaws. You’ve fallen prey to the performance trap.
  • Do you get defensive when people point out some shortcoming in your life, or they disagree with you? When this happens to you, you feel your spirit fighting back and you resist any type of criticism. You don’t like being challenged or feeling threatened. You push back because you have to win. There is something amiss in your soul –  performance trap.
  • Do you blame others for things to prove you’re not wrong? When you blame others because you don’t want to accept responsibility for something gone wrong, this shows that your value is at stake. There is a good chance you have a soul issue.  What is it?  You’re in a performance trap.
  • Do you feel self-conscious about your image? When you are self-conscious and are always concerned about how others perceive you , this is how you act: You are easily embarrassed so you protect your image at all costs; you strive to be seen in the best light at all times; you always explain yourself so you will be well thought of. Beware — You’ve fallen into the performance trap.

 

If you can see yourself in any one of these scenarios, you may be ensnared by the performance trap. This is a very subtle trap and it can make you think that performance determines your value with others and with God. You must remember this fact: You are created by your heavenly Father and redeemed by Jesus on the cross.  When you misplace this value issue, you become a performance addict, and you begin to behave in some of the ways described above.  In my next blog, I’ll give you some insights on how to escape from the performance trap.

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God Accepts You – Flaws and All

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Rob Reimer

Let me admit this right up front — I’m flawed.  I’m flawed as a husband.  I don’t like to serve. I’m better than I was, but I’m still flawed. I’m flawed as a Dad.  I’m not always patient, understanding, or sensitive with my kids. I’m flawed as a pastor.  I’m not always naturally compassionate. Sometimes I’m too concerned about what people think of me. The reality is I’m flawed and, of course, … so are you.  The trouble with being a flawed person is that it can be hard to accept ourselves as we are. As such, we might even think, “Does God accept me — flaws and all?”

Sometimes this lack of self-acceptance shows up as guilt or regret.  Other times it shows up as self-hatred or anger. Sometimes it shows up as self-righteousness and we look down on others who are less than perfect. Sometimes we fool ourselves by denying that we even have flaws. Because it’s important to be honest about ourselves in order to achieve inner peace, how do we come to self-acceptance as sinful, flawed people?

In Galatians 3 and 4, Paul says before we came to faith in Christ we were enslaved as prisoners to sin. Paul uses another image saying we were like underage children.  These are images of powerlessness.  We are powerless over sin.  It’s not enough that we know the law because  we can know right from wrong, and still not do right.  If we weren’t enslaved to sin, just knowing right would be enough for us to do right. We don’t change our actions because we’re flawed. But since the Father sees that we are stuck in sin, He sent Jesus, His Son, to free and redeem us. God knew the price of sin was death  so He and the Son agreed that Jesus would pay the price.  The Father sent his Son to pay your sin debt and to buy your freedom; now you are no longer a prisoner or slave. God sent his Son that you might be fully accepted as His child; now you are no longer a minor under a parent’s care.

The key to receiving the Father’s acceptance is to have faith and receive it as a gift.  You have to humbly acknowledge your shortcomings and believe that the Father sent His Son for you and fully accepts you – even with His  full knowledge of all your flaws.  When you believe, God changes your status:  You go from slave to free … from infant to adult.

Now this acceptance doesn’t mean that God isn’t concerned about what you do.  He definitely wants us to change.  God sent Jesus to change our status as His children.  God also sent his Spirit to change our experience as His followers. When we put our faith in Christ, the Holy Spirit takes up residence in our souls and changes us in these ways:

  • The Spirit cries out in our hearts that we matter to God.  God loves us and we belong to him.
  • The Spirit beckons us into God’s presence.
  • The Spirit reminds us that change doesn’t determine whether or not the Father accepts us.  We are accepted in Christ even as we are, before we ever change one thing.  The reality of knowing that we are loved, no matter what, gives us the power to change.
  • The Spirit empowers us to change.  With access to the Kingdom through Christ, we now have the power to overcome sin.  We won’t become perfect like Jesus until we meet him face to face; rather, we change and grow along the journey.
  • The Spirit helps us to desire his will. He wants us to give up our wrongful ways.  He wants us to become more tender, more patient, more loving.  He wants us to be pure, more generous, and to live with a servant’s heart.
  • The Spirit encourages us to be more honest about our sinfulness and to surrender to the One who loves us.  He wants this surrender to bring us peace so  we don’t go anywhere else seeking something fleeting to quench our inner hunger.

In the end, friends, the Spirit’s grace helps us to become the people that we’ve always wanted to be. None of us is perfect. However, we all have a Heavenly Father who is perfect and He adores and accepts us – flaws and all!

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Come on — Did Jesus really rise from the dead?

Posted on April 9, 2012 by Rob Reimer

There are people all over the world who will testify to the Easter story: Jesus Christ rose from the dead, he still lives, and he still changes lives.  When I was growing up, I knew a kid who was far from God.  While he went to church every week, it made no difference in his life.  He actually made fun of committed Christians.  He instigated trouble in school, was mean to other kids, and often urged his friends to ridicule others who didn’t quite fit in. Then one day he needed God and earnestly turned to him. His encounter with the living Christ completely turned his life around. I know this account to be true because that kid is me. Friends, there are literally billions of people like me all over the world who will testify that Jesus Christ rose from the dead, he still lives, and he still changes lives. 

Mary Magdalene was a woman who lived a hard life plagued with brokenness and all kinds of emotional problems. On the day that Mary met Jesus, everything changed for her.  The Bible says that Jesus delivered her from seven demons.  As a result, Mary felt love for the first time; she felt forgiven for all the mess ups in her life;  she had renewed hope for her future. Mary left everything behind to follow Christ because he changed her life.

On the day we know as Good Friday, Mary was a witness to the horror of Christ’s crucifixion and death.   It’s hard to imagine all the things that must have been going through her mind when this happened.  All the questions.  All the doubts.  All the sadness.  All the anger.  All the tears. Here is a woman who had suddenly lost all her hope and didn’t know what to think.  On Easter Sunday morning, Mary went to the tomb to anoint Jesus’ body and, instead, she is the first person to see and touch the risen Christ.  The death of Jesus had tangled and stymied the course of her life. Encountering the resurrected Christ now turned her world upside down.

Some of you are thinking, “I find this hard to swallow.  Isn’t this just a myth?  Why should I believe that Jesus Christ is really alive?”  Let me give you some reasons to help you sort this out:

  • Eyewitness Accounts: There were over 500 eye witnesses who claimed that they saw Jesus Christ alive after he had been crucified.  Many of these people died for that claim.  They were willing to shed their blood rather than denounce their unshakable faith in their resurrected Lord.  Some people, like the disciple Paul, were skeptics and violently opposed Christianity. Yet these people were all convinced that they saw Jesus Christ alive after he had died.
  • The Empty Tomb: The reality is that Jesus’ tomb was empty and no one disputes that.  If the tomb weren’t empty, those opposing Christianity would merely have produced the body and the whole thing would have died in the first century.  The only argument that the opposition gave was that the disciples had pulled off a great hoax and had stolen the body.  But there is a big hole in that theory:  Why would these men pull off a hoax and die for it?
  • Changed Lives:For 2000 years, people like Mary have been encountering the reality of the living Christ, and their lives have been radically changed.  These first disciples were so convinced that they saw Jesus Christ after his death that they would never renounce their faith in him —  their lives were radically transformed.

If Jesus is really alive, so what?  What difference should it make for you?  If Jesus is alive, then his claims to be God are true … he is the unique and only Savior …  he sets the moral standards for your life … he’s available for you to meet on a personal basis … he conquered death … he has opened the door of eternal life … he has the supernatural ability to help you on your journey.

Friends, during this Easter season, I want to invite you to begin your encounter with the Resurrected One.  If you have more questions or doubts,  then weigh the evidence.  The tomb is empty.  Lives are still being changed.  Jesus holds the keys to spiritual life that goes on forever.  If you come to believe that Jesus is alive, your future and your eternity hinge on how you respond to him.  Consider prayerfully the claim of Christ: “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live ….” Invite Jesus in to become the center of your life.  Watch what he can do!

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Forgiveness – How

Posted on April 6, 2012 by Rob Reimer

How can I possibly forgive others?

I’d like to wrap up on this forgiveness theme by recognizing that you may have some deep hurt because of what another person has done to you. You’ve come to realize that you need and want to forgive, but don’t feel equipped to do so.  Let me give you some practical ideas to help you in this area.

  • Focus on the gift of God’s grace. In Matthew 18: 21-35, Jesus talks about the unmerciful servant.  The whole point of the story is that in light of the immeasurable debt that God has forgiven us it would be utterly ludicrous for us to hold someone else in our debt.  So, first things first — focus on the grace of God to soften your heart and humble you.
  • Pray blessings on the person who has sinned against you. This is vital because Jesus told us to bless those who curse us.  When you pray blessings on those who have hurt you, you experience a spiritual and emotional change that’s really miraculous because it works. When you pray unceasingly for others the same good things you want in your life, God intervenes. He blesses you with a tender heart toward those who have caused you pain.
  • Forgive those who sin against you.  Forgiveness ultimately comes down to a hard and painful choice — the choice to surrender. Whenever someone wrongs you, you have to surrender your rights.  You have to surrender your right to get even, to be in control,  to obsess about it, to nurse the grudge, and to rehearse the offense.  You have to surrender your right to be angry.  This doesn’t mean that you have to say that what the person did was right — not at all.  It means you recognize the evil for what it is, and surrender it all to God.
  • Believe God is redemptive.  Romans 8 says that God can use anything, even bad stuff, for good in your life.  He has the power to turn it around and use it to make you more like Jesus.  You have to hold on to this promise so hope can fill your soul and you can make the move to surrender your hurt to God.
  • Tap into the life of God.  Paul says we put off the old self and we put on the new self; namely, we are created to be like God.  God has done a new work in our hearts and filled us with his Holy Spirit.  He has given us the resources to live a holy life that is pleasing to him.  He can empower us to change.  So, go to God and ask him to help you and to change the attitude of your heart.  As you make the difficult choice to surrender and bless those who curse you, God will help you.
  • Let God heal your wounds.  Quiet your soul and allow yourself to feel the pain of the offense.  You need to feel the full pain, because you can’t forgive a 10 gallon offense with a cup full of forgiveness.  You have to forgive in a manner commensurate with the pain you’ve experienced.  So, you allow yourself to experience the pain, and invite Jesus to come into that pain to nurture you and to bind up your wounds.  Let him speak to you about your value as he heals your soul.  When you begin to feel the healing compassion of Christ, you remember what he said (Matthew 5:23,24), “First be reconciled to thy brother . . .”  Forgive those who sin against you, just as Christ has forgiven you. It’s a powerful thing and it can change your life.
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Forgiveness — Why Should I Forgive Those Who Hurt Me?

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Rob Reimer

In my last blog, I urged forgiveness toward those who sin against you.  I want to expand on this concept by trying to help people who don’t realize that they need to forgive.  There are some of you  who are carrying around anger in your spirits and you aren’t in touch with it.  You need to become aware of it and deal with it because it’s doing a number on you.  So, how do you know if you have bitterness or unresolved anger in your spirit?  Let me give you some symptoms:

 

  • You may struggle with outbursts and a hot temper.  These may be accompanied by continual irritability and condemning attitudes.
  • Depression can be a symptom of unresolved anger.  Often people who wrestle with depression have anger that has turned inward causing self-blame and self-hatred.
  • When you don’t want anything to do with another person, this could be a sign of buried anger and resentment.
  • Sometimes unresolved anger shows up in a spirit of contempt toward someone. Just the thought of them brings a snarl to your lips.
  • If your spirit is less than sweet and grace-filled toward a person, there is a probably a residue of anger, and you need to live in reality about that.

 

Now, some of you know that you are angry but you don’t see why you should forgive those who sin against you.  You think, “Why should I forgive this person, they don’t deserve it.”

Actually, we don’t forgive people because they deserve it.  Forgiveness is always an unmerited gift that is granted by the offended party.  So, why should you forgive those who sin against you?  Here are a few reasons:

 

  1. We forgive to keep in step with the Spirit of God.  This is a matter of obedience.  The single greatest indicator that our relationship with God is growing and healthy is that we are in right relationship with others.  When we are in right relationship with God, our spirit is growing sweeter and more gracious and we are able to forgive those who sin against us. Forgiveness is a process that takes time but we need to be working toward it.

 

  1. We forgive those who sin against us to live a life worthy of our calling.  It is beneath our privilege as Christians to be bitter.  Paul tells the Ephesians, “So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking … (That) is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”  Paul teaches us that because we have new hearts in Christ,  our spirits are alive, and we’re indwelt by the Holy Spirit.  Whether we realize it or not, we’ve been changed — we’ve outgrown our old selves and should live accordingly.

 

  1. We  forgive those who sin against us because we value our freedom.  Jesus Christ died for us so we could be set free.  But, if we remain in bitterness, we forfeit the freedom that Jesus has bought us.  It’s like we were trapped in the prison of sin, and Jesus opened our cell to let us go.  We left the jail,  tasted life outside the cell, then decided we like the cell life better, and voluntarily went back to our prison cells.  That’s just nuts, friends. We need to walk in the freedom that is rightfully ours.  To forgive is to set the prisoner free … and discover the prisoner was you.

 

  1. 4.       We forgive those who sin against us because we’ve been forgiven an immeasurable debt.  Ephesians 4:32 tells us the biggest reason of all — “Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”   We forgive because we’ve been forgiven.  God canceled our immeasurable debt of sin.  If you know what it is like to feel the forgiveness of God in Jesus … If you know what it is like to have the weight of sin lifted off of your soul …  If you know what it is like to taste of the unconditional love of God that canceled your debt of sin …  If you truly realized the ransom price that God put on your head, the value that he paid for you — then it would be utterly ridiculous for you to hold other people in your debt.  You see when you appreciate you have been forgiven, it enlarges your soul and you have the capacity to forgive others.  Forgive just as, in Christ, you have been forgiven. 
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Resolving Conflict — Part Two: Growing Through Conflicts

Posted on March 19, 2012 by Rob Reimer

As I’ve stated many times, conflict is a part of life.  It’s part of marriage.  We have conflict over sex, over our in-laws, how to raise the kids, how to drive.  Conflict — It’s part of family.  We have conflict with our teenagers over boundaries, music, their clothes, friends, and curfews. Conflict — It’s part of the workplace.  We have conflict over how to do the job, over performance, over expectations, and over personalities. Conflict really is just a part of life.

 

If we’re going to have healthy relationships, it becomes essential that we learn how to navigate conflict successfully.  God’s intention is that conflict will help us to grow up, and to grow closer to the person with whom we have conflict. Let me give you some ideas from Proverbs about how conflict can help you as God intended.

 

If we are going to grow through conflict we need to view it from a different perspective.  Most of us have a negative view of conflict.  I hate conflict.  When I have conflict with someone I feel anxiety, my stomach gets tight, and my heart races.  Conflicts, however, have revealed to me an area that I need to grow up in. Conflicts I’ve had with staff, family, and others have helped me to see the truth about myself: My root splinter issue is the fear of not being loved. When I have been overwhelmed by this fear,  I’ve pushed people away.

 

Many of us avoid conflict because we see it as something that is bad and should be avoided at all costs. But, if we are going to grow through conflict we need to see it in a different light:  We need to see it as a growth opportunity. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  When iron rubs on iron there is friction.  The friction rubs down the metal, and reshapes it so change occurs. That’s how it is when two people rub together in conflict. If they handle it properly, it ought to leave them both sharper and more mature.

 

Conflict can be a tremendous opportunity for you to grow up.  When you have a conflict, listen carefully to what the other person says, take their comments back to a private place, wrestle with them, and then respond later.  But remember that it takes discipline and humility to receive criticism or feedback.  You have to listen with an open mind and heart.  It’s hard to live in the light about ourselves. Nevertheless, avoiding conflict is like avoiding cancer.  It silently grows and it may be the death of you and your relationships.

 

If we are going to grow through conflict, we need to forgive those who have sinned against us.  Time and again, Scripture exhorts us to forgive those who hurt us. Proverbs 12:16 says, “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overcomes an insult.”  Proverbs 19:11 expands this by telling us, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”  The general rule of thumb is that whenever you can just overlook an offense, you should.  Don’t be easily offended.  While it is wonderful to have a magnanimous soul that is large and forgiving, you don’t want to repress anger.  If you can’t overlook an offense, if it sticks in your spirit, then you need to deal with it and offer forgiveness.

 

Why should we forgive people?  Because it’s the wise thing to do. If you don’t forgive others, you become bitter, and bitterness destroys you and destroys relationships.  It’s also wise to forgive because it shows you understand your own dark side; namely, you are aware that you, too, have faults and flaws.  You need God’s grace and, when you receive it, you need to extend it to others.

 

So, what would it look like if we can handle conflict well?

  • First — When you are upset with someone and you can’t overlook      it, you need to go to the one who hurt you and talk about it.
  • Second — When you decide to speak to the person, you have to      identify the real issues. Remember that anger is always a secondary      emotion. Look for the issue behind the issue such as hurt, envy,      alienation.
  • Third — Be careful not to go on the attack. Identify your      emotions and use “I feel” statements. For example, “I feel hurt when      you state your opinions so strongly because I feel you don’t think mine      are important.”
  • Fourth — If you are the cause of a conflict, you need to hear      the person out with empathetic listening. My rule of thumb is that I try      not to react at the time, but summarize what I hear, and then go back and      process it.  Now, if they say      something that I can see is true about me right away – then I own it.  But, if I don’t think it is true, I say,      “Let me pray over that and I’ll get back to you.” I take it back to God,      ask him to show me my part, and own whatever I can.
  • Fifth — You need to forgive regardless of the other person’s      response. The relationship can’t be restored unless they own their part      and repent, but that may not always happen.  In that case, you can always choose to      forgive unilaterally, and you need to do so for your own sake.  Focus on God’s grace, pray blessings on      the person, and make a choice to let things go.

 

Admittedly, some of you have been severely wounded, and this process may take you some time to accept. Ask God’s help to see conflict as a growth opportunity and for the desire to forgive those who hurt you — He’ll help you. Believe me, you’ll grow sharper and more mature, and you’ll grow healthy relationships.

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